two years ago today my dad died.
two years seems at once interminably long ago, as my life today bears little resemblance to then. it also seems as if everything happened in the blink of an eye.
Almost exactly three months prior to that, my ex relapsed.
These two events neatly sandwiched my 50th birthday. My own divine storm.
sometimes when i sit under a tree and reminisce, I can feel and hear and see my dad, as close as if he were sitting beside me. Chances are, we were more likely to sit side by side in the hot tub, or across from each other playing cribbage or enjoying a meal, or perhaps in a golf cart, or ranging around the pool table, lining up shots. sometimes I am quite young, or in high school, at home where I grew up, or in the first home mom and dad bought. sometimes I am in one of the many wonderful cabins in the mountains… or on vacations together in hawaii, on road trips or outside napping in the sun.
sometimes i *know* that he is right there in a room with me and I’ll say hi and we’ll have a short lovely and lively conversation. these moments always make me smile.
sometimes I simply know that a part of him is always going to be in me and with me, as close as my next breath.
I have been blessed with so many amazing experiences and shared moments of love and fun in my family — and they have resulted in so many incredible memories. sweet dad, I love you so much, and miss your presence in the here and now forever.
I sit here tonight and am swamped with even more thoughts, memories and emotions than seem bearable.
i should be staying up and working and i simply can’t. i keep bumping into the memories of my dad and i can’t work through the tears. He was such a great guy, simply all around, and i miss being able to share with him. He was always the one person in this world who had my back. always. it’s kinda lonely out here after having had that.
We all have our own memories and our own relationships with one another. I cannot begin to know what a 60-year marriage was like, or of being my older sister who shared a different life with mom and dad and has her own 40-year marriage. I have not experienced these.
I know what I shared with dad. We had this connection that simply transcended the day to day. I certainly didn’t understand it when I was younger, and barely had time to truly appreciate it with him as an adult. Would that I had the time with him that I’ve now been blessed to have with mom. I was just that much younger — by the time I was hitting my adulthood — and not around as much as I wish I had been, mom and dad were getting older and I didn’t know them day to day. i was in another world of my own creation, living just slightly out of sync with where they were at in their lives.
I kept casting around searching for a man who could love me and support me the way my dad had. Not a daddy. Simply a real relationship with someone who loved me mutually, as much as I loved him, he would love me. A marriage like I had witnessed growing up with my mom and dad. A marriage like the one Tonya and Mark share. Mutual love, mutual support, and pulling together for common goals. Someone who wanted to work as hard as I did, and not slight me or marginalize me while they pursued their own career and desires. Someone who wanted to build a life of love and shared passions. Someone who cherishes me, and their own spiritual path (that doesn’t have to look at all like mine). Someone who wants to grow and stick it out, do the work when it’s needed and play when it’s time to play. I don’t know if this is meant for me this time around. I do know my path *now* is to make my life a life that I love, and not worry about who is around, or who may not be around to share it. carpe diem.
So here I am, at 52, still seeking and wondering what the FUCK it is that keeps escaping or drifting out of my grasp. While knowing (thank god for buddhism!), that it is only the seeking for myself and my divine — internal, eternal, within and ever-loving — self that is waiting inside. it is simply waiting inside with all of the love and support my ego self has ever desired and craved. Knowing that when I can let go and let that love wash over me and immerse myself in it, I will again be able to feel the love that dad was always trying to give to me. miss you so so so daddy. And, yes, I do finally get it. You don’t need to worry about me anymore. I am love. We all are. You helped teach me that. ever grateful…